All the answers

I have never been sure of what I have wanted from my life. All I’ve ever known is that I wanted to choose what drove me insane but the good kind of insane, you know? The kind of insane where you are running around trying to get your work done, your hair is flying everywhere and you are such an utter mess that you do not even have one moment to take a break. I wanted that. I wanted to be encompassed in work so when I go home and lie down with sore feet or a sore back, I could smile and I would know that I did not waste a day.

I have changed my mind when it came to careers countless times. I went from wanting to be an accountant to a computer programmer to a foreign ambassador to a psychologist to God knows what else. I have changed my mind and I have explored different options. I was never really able to figure out what I wanted though. I would see my friends who were doing medical and I would be envious because even though they were driven towards insanity, I wanted that too. I wanted to have my life figured out. I wanted to know which career path to take and how to make it happen. I wanted to know but even now, in my first semester at University; I don’t know.

I sat today at an empty dining table as my uncle asked me what I was doing with my life. He said he was shocked if not slightly confused at my choice of undergraduate programs. He said things that ranged from “It’s a field only the daft choose” to “I expected more from you.” I listened to him give me countless reasons why I had made the wrong decision and although I spoke several times, I couldn't keep up the argument. I could not defend my choice. In my mind I knew it was something I wanted but I couldn't defend it. I could not give him solid reasons as to which path I would be taking for the next five years.

A t first I was devastated and all I wanted to do was sit and let the tears flow. It was like I had spent so long, just so much time trying to figure out what I wanted and once I had finally seen a dim light that seemed to show me the way, it felt like that way was shot down. I felt numb and I did not want to go back to questioning myself.

Although I wanted to cry, I did not and will not allow myself to do that. See, we don’t all have a plan and that is okay. We go from one field to another and we spend our lives doing just that. We cannot possibly have all the answers. So instead of sitting and staring at the wall, I will do the only thing that makes sense. I will get the right answers. I have the information of the world at my finger tips, we all do. So instead of crying over why I did not have the right answers, I will find them. I’m not sure what I want but I have a grasp of something that feels pretty close. So I will find out if it is what is best for me and I will find out if it is not. I will not sit and listen to the reasons of someone else. I will find my own reasons. I will find my own argumentation and not let someone else’s opinion dictate which road I will follow.

That is what life is. When you don’t have the answers, saying “I do not know” is not enough. You get up and you go find your own answers.