New Year, No New Me
I've always been one of those people who got excited at the prospect of starting over with the new year. Yes, yes, those clichéd people who follow the "New Year, New Me" mantra. I find no shame in admitting that I had the habit of romanticising the idea of leaving all the 'bad' behind and focusing on the 'good'. God knows, I've seen my share of the 'bad' mainly because I've always been the kind of person to become emotional because of every tiny thing, even if its just having seen a crippled ant.
So, when the clock chimed this year at midnight and I had no inclination to change who I am as a person, I realized how far I have truly come. That's why, my new year resolutions this year had become a bucket list of things I wanted to achieve - like learning to dance - rather than to change things about myself. Perhaps I can even say, this year I learned how to accept myself for who I am.
If I'm being honest, I was a mess when 2015 had begun. I was trying to recover from the gap year I had taken after my alevels. There's just something about watching all your friends move on with their lives while you're stuck in a rut that just destroys you. I had no confidence in myself, I wasn't even sure if I was ever going to be a university student. I had no plans and I had no aims for the future. In the simplest of terms, I was lost and I was dazed. When that happens, we tend to rely on our friends for emotional support but after school ends and you're stuck at home you realize there are some people you were only friends with because you saw them five times a week. And that was my first lesson, sometimes your school friends are just, your school friends.
2015 also came with my first University experience and after spending two semesters, I can safely say the studies are no where near as exhausting as the people you are required to spend the next 4-5 years with.
My first semester, I faced betrayals I had never even imagined before. The advice my mother had given me when I was 14 about not trusting anyone had rung true. Let's be honest, no one wants their mother to be right about these things but mines was. Granted, it took 6 years for it to come true. Yet, I learned my lesson that no matter how close you are to a person and no matter how much you think they are loyal to you, some people are only loyal to themselves. It was then that I finally understood, sometimes being a party of two is better than being part of a 'squad' of traitors.
My second semester, I had my first adult crush, faced my first second hand rejection and realized that the friend I had given the benefit of doubt to had turned out to be just like everyone said they were; Loyal to only themselves. I guess, it took me two semesters to finally learn that when someone claims to be your 'best' friend and tells you other peoples secrets without being asked to, you can bet your life that they will tell their other 'best' friends your secrets. If you're lucky, you'll recover with grace but if you're someone like me, you'll discover what its like to cry in front of everyone while your dirty laundry is aired for the world to see.
But, despite everything else I also learned how to conquer my greatest fear this year. I had spent the better half of my second semester, worrying and fretting over the tiniest of things. Whether it was a teacher over hearing an embarrassing comment or a teacher seeing me sitting with a guy (Gasp!) I spent so much of my energy over thinking things that I ended up losing half my hair. I suppose, in the end the ghost of my dead hair convinced my brain somehow and I managed to learn to let things go. In fact, I've learned to let things go so much that I might as well dawn a blue dress, climb an ice castle and starting singing 'Let it go'.
To sum up, I've learned my share of lessons this year and most importantly, I've learned what it feels to like to forgive yourself. Best of all, this year I found love and finally learned what those Disney songs meant when they talked about true love. So I have no need to desire to change who I am this year because life may not be perfect but I understand now that it doesn't have to be.
So, when the clock chimed this year at midnight and I had no inclination to change who I am as a person, I realized how far I have truly come. That's why, my new year resolutions this year had become a bucket list of things I wanted to achieve - like learning to dance - rather than to change things about myself. Perhaps I can even say, this year I learned how to accept myself for who I am.
If I'm being honest, I was a mess when 2015 had begun. I was trying to recover from the gap year I had taken after my alevels. There's just something about watching all your friends move on with their lives while you're stuck in a rut that just destroys you. I had no confidence in myself, I wasn't even sure if I was ever going to be a university student. I had no plans and I had no aims for the future. In the simplest of terms, I was lost and I was dazed. When that happens, we tend to rely on our friends for emotional support but after school ends and you're stuck at home you realize there are some people you were only friends with because you saw them five times a week. And that was my first lesson, sometimes your school friends are just, your school friends.
2015 also came with my first University experience and after spending two semesters, I can safely say the studies are no where near as exhausting as the people you are required to spend the next 4-5 years with.
My first semester, I faced betrayals I had never even imagined before. The advice my mother had given me when I was 14 about not trusting anyone had rung true. Let's be honest, no one wants their mother to be right about these things but mines was. Granted, it took 6 years for it to come true. Yet, I learned my lesson that no matter how close you are to a person and no matter how much you think they are loyal to you, some people are only loyal to themselves. It was then that I finally understood, sometimes being a party of two is better than being part of a 'squad' of traitors.
My second semester, I had my first adult crush, faced my first second hand rejection and realized that the friend I had given the benefit of doubt to had turned out to be just like everyone said they were; Loyal to only themselves. I guess, it took me two semesters to finally learn that when someone claims to be your 'best' friend and tells you other peoples secrets without being asked to, you can bet your life that they will tell their other 'best' friends your secrets. If you're lucky, you'll recover with grace but if you're someone like me, you'll discover what its like to cry in front of everyone while your dirty laundry is aired for the world to see.
But, despite everything else I also learned how to conquer my greatest fear this year. I had spent the better half of my second semester, worrying and fretting over the tiniest of things. Whether it was a teacher over hearing an embarrassing comment or a teacher seeing me sitting with a guy (Gasp!) I spent so much of my energy over thinking things that I ended up losing half my hair. I suppose, in the end the ghost of my dead hair convinced my brain somehow and I managed to learn to let things go. In fact, I've learned to let things go so much that I might as well dawn a blue dress, climb an ice castle and starting singing 'Let it go'.
To sum up, I've learned my share of lessons this year and most importantly, I've learned what it feels to like to forgive yourself. Best of all, this year I found love and finally learned what those Disney songs meant when they talked about true love. So I have no need to desire to change who I am this year because life may not be perfect but I understand now that it doesn't have to be.
You could hypothetically don* a blue dress, not dawn one.
ReplyDeleteHah. You can of course! think metaphorically.
DeleteI noticed that but was too lazy to change it.
DeleteAlso, although both comments are anonymous, I totally know who you two are. :p
I'd hate to warp her context to suit my metaphorical musings.
ReplyDeleteI bet you don't.
Sharjeel and Uzair :p
ReplyDelete