The ideals of friendship

There have been many types of people I have come across in my life and subsequently, there have been many friendships I have been fortunate enough to have been blessed with. Through them, there has always been one thing I have thought to be true and that is good friends, best friends, do not fight. I have thought of it as an unspoken rule that the sign of a good friendship is when there are no quarrels, no disagreements, and just peace. That is why, perhaps, I have forsaken myself time and time again when emotions got the better of me and caused me to pull away from certain people. I have spent so long blaming myself and thinking I am a bad person because in my mind there is this concept of how friendships should be. See, there have been people I have met who I just absolutely adored. These people have been precious and there have been times when I have had a smile plastered on my face because of them. Yet, these were also the people I often found myself tip-toeing around. As much as I loved them and their company, I was always afraid of the friendship ending due to some stupid fight. There was always this fear because with those people, I knew that there would be no reconciliations, no mending, and that the end would be the end. I knew that no matter what the matter, whether big or small, our friendship wouldn’t last the test. We lived in a glass house and it was always just one stone away from shattering forever. That is why, often times I found myself biting my tongue and ignoring anything that could cause trouble if brought to light. Eventually, you know, there is only so much you can take before you cannot take anymore and I think it’s always something tiny, something that would never normally bother you that pushes you off the edge. Soon enough, everything comes pouring out and then that is it. The end.

I have learned many things in my life and one of the most recent things I have learned is that you should never spend your life tip-toeing around others. I have had all these fake constructs of what friendships ought to be but now, I believe I see a clearer picture. In all honesty, I have had friends, who are the most blood-curdling, annoying, opinionated, ruthless specimens of humanity, and there have been countless times when I have wanted to rip their heads off and vice versa. Those are the people I have never been afraid to give a piece of my mind to. The people who I have never had to bite my tongue around and those I could speak my mind to. Those are the people I have had countless fights with and not just little fights but huge, disturbing battles of screaming back and forth. Yet, in the end, with those people it never felt like we were fighting on opposing sides. In the end, when the storm cleared, it always felt like we were fighting for the same thing. I have been friends with the most impossible people you can imagine and I have them loved but we fought. We have fought so badly that there have been times when we didn’t speak for days, weeks, and sometimes even months. Yet, there is never a feeling of the 'the end', you know? No matter how bad something has ended, and no matter what words were said, what promises made, it has never felt absolute. These people have been my best friends at times and I have always known when push came to shove. No matter how angry we were at each other, they would be there. There could be no time, no distance, no anger, and no hatred that could keep us apart.

It is not ideal, I admit. But I believe that is the problem. I believe we always chase after what is ideal when sometimes, it’s not what is right for us, I have come to realize that you only fight with people you love and you only forgive those people who you want in your life in the long run. When you have found a good friend, a true friend, then you could go years without talking to each other but when you finally do, it’s like you’re back in the classroom all those years ago, laughing and joking as if no time has even passed.